


guardian

by lilliasan



Category: Gintama
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Reader Insert, Smut, Spoilers, might make future Gintama shit idk I really want to get back into writing, posted this on Quotev and Wattpad so yeah you’ll see this on there too, the relationships are complicated lmao
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-02
Updated: 2018-10-01
Packaged: 2019-02-09 12:16:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12887676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilliasan/pseuds/lilliasan
Summary: Of course.I was an idiot this entire time...no wonder it wouldn't open.It's because I chose to throw it all away.The one standing at the door wasn't my inner self.It was you.  You were the one who was always by my side; guiding me and waiting for me to come back home.  To come back to where I belong.  Where everyone was waiting.You were my light—the light I chose to leave behind.





	1. p r o l o g u e

        _Silently opening the door wide enough for her to enter, she shut it the second she got in and made sure to lock it. Looking around to see if anyone had woken up to the sound of the creaking door a minute ago, none had. She let out a sigh of relief then made her way over to her futon—but suddenly fell on the floor, face first, from a foot that reached out to trip her. She let out a hiss of pain and rubbed her nose carefully to instruct it if it had broken or not. Nope. After doing so, she whipped her head to the owner of the foot, only to see a silvery-blue haired perm-fucker-baby making (fake) loud snores._  
        "You piece of–ugh! God damn it, Gintoki!" She whispered loudly at him but he only continued to snore. She walked over to her futon and grabbed her pillow to chuck it at him. Gintoki had groaned in annoyance and tossed it back at her. "Hey! Leave me alone or else Shouyou-sensei is gonna come in and kick my ass!" He had broke from his acting to exclaim at her.  
        "Pft, what ass."  
        "God damn it, [Name]!"

        Ah yes, those were the good ol' days. She remembered when he would move his futon closer to her's when he though he'd heard a strange noise; thinking it would be a ghost. He was a huge pussy, she thought. Indeed, he was. She chuckled at all the memories that played in her mind. The nostalgic feeling overflowing her made her frown hard remembering the day she screamed—no, begged—Gintoki with all her heart to stop his blade from dismembering their savior's head. She hated remembering the scene burned into her mind. The yelling and pleading from Shinsuke, the utter silence of Kotaro, and of course, the cries of her own voice.  
        But pushing those memories aside, she walked on the dirt thoroughfare. She heard the laughs of children, men and women chatting or laughing; cats meowing and dogs barking as she passed by. Keeping her head held low with her straw hat and covering herself with a black cloak as she walked by a familiar bar: Snack Otose. Putting on a sad smile, she looked up above the bar to see another sign: Yorozuya Gin-Chan. She dropped her smile and kept going, pulling her straw hat farther down.

◇ ◇ ◇

        _"Oh my god," she said in horror, seeing both their hands cuffed together. "What in the actual fuck happened to you two?" She asked, holding back a stifled laughter with her hand covering her mouth and tears on the side of her eyes. "Shut up, you ugly pig! Hurry up and help us get out of this mess!" Gintoki yelled while trying to free his hands that were connected to Toshiro's who, too, was also struggling to get off._  
        "What the fuck am I, a mirror?"  
  
◇ ◇ ◇

        Once she had reached a park, she sat down at a wooden bench and enjoyed the scenery in front of her. She watched the pond's water glisten from the sunlight. "So how are they?" She asked out loud to a man who sat next to her. "They're doing fine. At least, that's what they want people to think." The male replied with a sigh at the end. He ran his hand through his short light brown hair and moved his head to stare at her with his crimson eyes. "I see," she nodded. "What about you," she asked while tilting her hat up to show her [color] eyes. "Sougo?"  
        He gave her a smile and turned his head towards the pond. "I would be lying if I said I was fine." She cocked an eyebrow at him and asked with a laugh, "Is it Toshiro, again? Still haven't been able to kill him?"  
        "No, not that." He said. "It's you."  
        "Sougo..."  
        "Don't wanna hear it."  
        "Sougo, we've talked about this."  
        "When will you stop running?" He finally asked her. She closed her mouth then opened it up again to speak. "I'm not running away."  
        "Really? Because last time I checked, you left us due to wanting to handle your problems by yourself like you always do. Not only that, you won't even come back to fix the problem you left behind; us." His ranting made himself feel better from getting that off his chest. He honestly felt glad. He knew this was very out of character of him but he was tired of her crap.  
        "Okita," she said. "I'm not running away from my...my problems. I'm trying to fix them." He let out a laugh and looked at her, "Are you serious? Leaving people doesn't always solve your problems. Come back to me when you're actually ready to talk. I'm done secretly meeting up with you like this. But mostly, stop being a coward. Good day, [Name]. It was nice talking to you again." He got up from his seat and grabbed his sheathed sword. He stopped for a moment to slightly move his head to glance at her.  
        "Goodbye."  
        "I'm sorry." She whispered outloud after he was finally gone.

◇ ◇ ◇

      _[Name] let out a sigh as she watched Hijikata getting chased by Okita, and Kondo getting his ass kicked from Tae. The Shinsengumi decided to have a party due to wanting a day off on the weekend and invited the Yorozuya over. Well, they were not actually invited. The Yorozuya barged in and called over a few people to fuck their lives up some more. She felt a heavy body lean against her back and saw an arm on her shoulder; with a cup hanging from slender fingers. "Mama, gimme sum moar sake!"_  
        "Mama?" She repeated with a twitch of her eye. "Ashfukjah..." Gintoki mumbled. "Oi!" Kagura exclaimed and slapped the back of his head—which caused him to fall down landing on her lap—and said that he shouldn't disrespect a woman by another name. "Gin-san..." Shinpachi sighed as he saw the silver haired man rub his face against her stomach, saying weird things in another language.  
        "Is he bothering you, [Name]-san?"  
        "No," she said while bringing her hand down to pat Gintoki's head. She loved the feel of how soft it actually was. "It's fine," she looked around the room to see everyone smiling, laughing and cheering while drunk. She hoped to continue moments like this with them forever. It brought a smile up to her lips. Shinpachi and Kagura looked at each other, then her and also smiled back.  
        "This is fine."

◇ ◇ ◇  
_**Promise me, you won't forget our laughs, our jokes, our smiles, our memories, our friendship.**_


	2. c h a p t e r  o n e

        _"Just what are you hoping to gain?"  He asked in that deep voice of his, puffing out a smoke from his lips.  She didn't answer, she didn't want to.  Only because she didn't know the answer herself.  Even she would question herself that everyday.  "I'll be waiting," he said while getting up from his seat.  He looked over at her with that beautiful jade colored eye of his.  He put on his signature smirk then walked away.  She watched as his dark purple hair had swayed in the wind, making him look like the same man from long ago.  But she knew that inside, it wasn't him.  Someone she knew she could never have back.  He was as broken as the rest._  
  
◇ ◇ ◇  
  
        As [Name] opened the door to her apartment room, she gently closed it behind her and made her way over to her bed.  She let out a sigh as she sat down.  She raised her head and turned it to where her nightstand was.  Stretching her arm out to grab a photo frame sitting on there, she examined the picture through the glass.  Running her fingers across it, she put on a smile and traced her fingers over to where it had shown Gintoki and Shinsuke; who were pushing each other away with grumpy faces.  She was standing in between them with a disappointed Kotaro and a laughing Tatsuma.    
        [Name] placed it back and grabbed another one, but this time it was different.  Her sensei's eyes closed with a open mouth smile from laughing, a younger version of Shinsuke looking away just like Gintoki (with his finger up his nose), and a two other smiling children, her and Kotaro.  
        Those were the good times when they were kids.  When Shouyou-sensei was still around.  
  
  
        "Oi," a younger [Name] had called out to a purple headed boy.  "If you want to join our dojo, you know you can, right?  There's no need to be shy."  She said with a smile which caused his cheeks to turn pink.  "I'm not shy! I'm just observing," which is what he would say.    
        "[Name]-chan," she would hear.  Shouyou-sensei would pop up behind her and rub her head, which had caused to mess up her hair.  "Don't tease the poor boy, alright? Be nice to him."  
        "What's 'nice'?"  She asked sarcastically.   
        Sigh, "[Name]."   
        "Yeah, yeah."   
  
        "Uwah! Shouyou-sensei!"  She cried while running towards him with her hands on top of her head.  "Gintoki purposely dropped a huge rock on my head from on top of a tree I was under!"  She wailed with a pouty face and rubbed her injury with tears on the side of her eyes.  "Gintoki,"  Shouyou said in a sing song voice with a dark aura surrounding him while popping his knuckles.  "I-I didn't mean to, I swear!"  He sweat dropped rapidly with his hands held up in defense.    
        "O-O-Oi! Shinsuke, help me out here!"   
        "I didn't see anything."  He said in defense with his back facing them.  
     Kotaro let out a sigh and shook his head.  "If you haven't have done that to [Name]-san, then none of this would have happened, Gintoki."  
        "It was a joke! I swear!"    
        "So I guess that answers everything, right, Gintoki?"  Shouyou-sensei asked with a smirk and had came closer to him.  
        On the same day, she had slept peacefully that night with no loud snoring from a certain lazy samurai.  
  
  
  
        Hearing the raindrops against her window made herself feel at ease.  She loved the rain.  She always thought that it suited her.  She remembered the nights when she was afraid of the thunder as a child but loved to see the lightning streaks; it was just so beautiful in her eyes. But not only that—she also remembered the times when she would sneak in Gintoki's futon on rainy days even when it was thundering loudly.  She hated thunder.  She still does.  Not that it would scare her—no.  It felt like hearing her own emotions outside her body.  Gintoki would stroke her hair and whispered sweet things into her ear saying that the sun will rise soon and everything will be okay.  She trusted his words deeply, and in the end, he was always right no matter the situation.  
  
        [Name] knew that getting herself in this mess with Shinsuke was probably going to bite her in the ass someday.  And that day was coming sooner than she would expect it.  
  
◇ ◇ ◇  
 _ **What I like and (hate) about photographs is that they capture a moment that's gone forever, impossible to reproduce.  You want to go back to the old days and have them back but you know you can't.**_


	3. c h a p t e r  t w o

        She could recall the cries of her own voice echoing through the night as her tears dripped down her dry cheeks.  She remembered watching painfully, along with her comrade, as their savior was being taken away from them by force.  The memory of their teacher telling them to promise to take care of the others was going to stay burned into her mind.  
        The only thing is that she couldn't keep it.   
        But what corrupted her the most was watching her dear friend, Shinsuke Takasugi, on a hospital bed.  She new that this day was going to come.  The day when hell would break loose for the two.  Did she regret joining him?  She didn't know.  But she still felt bad for abandoning her family a long time ago.  Kabukicho, Shinsengumi, Yoshiwara, and of course the Yorozuya.  She had so much that she left behind and it pained her every time she thought about it.  But she had to.  She had to join the Kiheitai.  Only because she knew she had to stay by his side.  She wanted to be the one to heal that broken heart of his—the one he shielded from everyone else.   
        [Name] knew that Gintoki himself was hurting inside.  But she trusted Kabukicho to fill up the hole in his heart.  He had everyone—but not Shinsuke.  He was a troublesome lonely boy in her eyes.    
        When he told her, "You hate the world as much as me.  You hate of how this so called God takes away everything we love...and by everything; I mean Shouyou-sensei."  She couldn't agree more to it.  The moment Yoshida Shouyou was taken from them, she couldn't stop crying that night.  Everything inside her changed the next day.  The more her comrades were taken away she couldn't shed a single tear.  But when the day of when Sakamoto, Kotaro, Gintoki and Shinsuke were separating, she wanted to reach out to them all and tell them, "Please don't leave me."    
        She could hear her own heart cracking faster by the second as their backs were facing her from a very far distance.  Getting smaller and smaller.  They were all different inside now and she could tell.  All she wanted to do was go back to the good old days when they laughed together, cried together, ate together, smiled together, and being idiots together.  She wanted them back.    
        She wanted herself back.  
        But y'know, you can't bring something back from the dead.  
  
◇ ◇ ◇  
  
 _"You really think...that after all this time—that it's okay to finally show your disgusting face?!"  The vermilion haired girl had yelled with a clench of her fists.  [Name] rubbed her cheek where Kagura had punched her and spat out her own blood that pooled from the inside of her mouth.  "You really think that everything will be okay once you've finally showed yourself to us?!  To go behind our backs and become one of the bad guys?!  You really think that everything will be okay after what you did to Gin-chan?!"  [Name] looked up with dead eyes and didn't say a word.  She didn't blame the little girl to be pissed at her.  But she hated herself more than anyone.  She got off the ground and held her sword in her hand, opening her mouth to say something but quickly closed it shut.  
        "I won't forgive you for this!"  Kagura cried.  [Name] had noticed the crack in her voice which caused her to instantly feel remorse.  "It's okay."  
        "It's okay?!"  She repeated.  "How is any of this okay?  Why didn't you tell us where you were?  Why did you leave without a note—why did you leave carrying your agony by yourself?!  Why do you keep doing this to yourself, [Name]-chan?"  She asked with sorrow in her voice.  
        "I thought—I thought that we were a family."   
        Family you say?  The word felt so foreign—almost nostalgic to her.  She couldn't understand what it meant.  She couldn't remember.  A part of her wanted to.  She wanted to feel it again.  To grasp it.  
        Yet no matter how many times she tried to get pass the gatekeeper at her door, she couldn't face it.  She couldn't open it.  So she walked away from that door and left it alone with the gatekeeper; the gatekeeper she couldn't see the face of and probably never will.  She felt a bit anxious of guessing who it could possibly be and why._  
  
◇ ◇ ◇  
 __ **Families are the compass that guides us.  They are the inspiration to reach great heights, and our comfort when we occasionally falter.  They don't have to be by blood, they have to be the closest to you.  They are the most precious thing in life; they are everything.**


	4. c h a p t e r  t h r e e

        [Name] pressed her hand against the glass window and looked at the other side to see Shinsuke still in a comatose for the past two to four weeks.  She made sure to change his bandages every day to keep any bacteria from infecting his wounds.  Matako said for her to not worry but [Name] hated the fact of having to lose another person in her life.  She wondered if he would ever wake up or if she would have to pull the cord in the future.  She would later mentally slap herself and put more faith in him.  She knew Shinsuke could get through this.  He had to.   
        She felt as though it was her fault he was like this.  Maybe if she could have stopped the fight between him and Gintoki, both of them would have less wounds to heal faster.  Yet the wounds inside that they bear could not. Time doesn't always heal you.  It could stay forever.   
  
◇ ◇ ◇  
  
        _"[Name]-san, please stand up straight."  She looked up from her bowing position of a ninety degree angle and did as told from Shinpachi.  Why didn't he yell at her?  He sure must have been angry at what she did.  Hell, she wouldn't be surprised if he bashed her head with a rock (almost) like what Kagura did.  
        "What business do you want with us?"  Sougo had asked the [color] haired woman before them.  She looked at the injured people and especially at Gintoki who in return turned away from her gaze.  "I can not do a proper farewell or apology for what the Kiheitai have done but I hope for the best for all of us in the future.  Now if you will excuse me, I have to get back."  
        "Oh no, you're not going anywhere."  Said Hijikata as he took out a pair of cuffs and started to walk over to her.  
        "We're not finished with you, young lady."  He said with a devious smirk as he got closer.  She looked at him with a puzzled look and said, "I thought our cops and robbers games in bed were over, Hijikata-san."  From that, majority of everyone had a red face including the Demon Vice Commander himself.  "Wh-what?!  Don't joke around about such things you little pervert!  You're under arrest for the crimes you've done, especially for attempted murder on the Shogun!"   
        "I mean, gee, I know I had called out "Toshiro-sama" in bed many times while playing cops and robbers with you and by 'attempted murder'—don't you mean rough play?  You did like it when I drew blood from you so that wasn't attempted murder, you ass."   
        "Can you please just take this seriously and stop saying such lies, [Name]-san?! It's disgusting!"  He was a blushing mess from her words and Gintoki had yelled at Kagura for not covering her ears at what she had said.   
        She let out a sigh and turned her back to them while walking away.  "Whatever. See yah."   
        Being able to have that silly moment—like old times—with her seemed to bring back a piece to all of their hearts._  
  
◇ ◇ ◇  
  
        She gulped down the sake with bliss and placed the dish cup down on the counter.  She could have went to the bar in the ship but who needs to walk a thousand feet away when you can get it from three feet away?  She kept a bottle of alcohol in her room sometimes (and surprisingly have small chats with Shinsuke while drinking when he passes by) when she felt bored or had the urge for it.  She had to admit—it felt lonely without him now that he's in a coma.   
        She could always go to her secret apartment she rented back on earth but she didn't want to take the risk since she had to stay up here on the ship to take care of the man in case he ever wakes up.  [Name] had many things to worry about and worrying about how everyone else is doing back on earth shouldn't be one of them.  
  
◇ ◇ ◇  
 __ **Waiting hurts.  Forgetting hurts.  But not knowing which decision to take can sometimes be the most painful...**


End file.
